by Mary Squicciarini

One of our friends recently finished reading The Scarlet Pimpernel by Baroness Emmuska Orczy, and as this lesser-known classic is a Squicciarini family favorite, we seized the opportunity to have him over for a showing of the 1982 film starring Anthony Andrews, Jane Seymour, and Ian McKellen. The evening included delicious homemade pizza, and a chance for our guest to try ”oil and vinegar” with his pizza crust… <raises eyebrows>…   

We (mostly) resisted the temptation to quote any of Sir Percy’s witty repartee during the movie. It was a disappointment to our guest that the “pepper-snuff” moment of genius was not included in the film, but overall he agreed that the acting and dialogue are superior. It is an excellent story of daring and great character…

We kicked him out of the house at 10:00, and as the evening was a great success, we’re already looking forward to next time. <grin>

It was a little over a week ago that Julianna and I left our house in the “small hours of the morning,” as they say, and headed north to the nation’s capital.

To say that we went to Washington DC for dinner is about like saying I’m going to have ‘lunch at the Kremlin’… a bit pretentious and self-important. But in truth we were there to attend the National Italian American Foundation’s (NIAF) 34th Annual East Coast Gala dinner, held at the Washington Hilton in Dupont Circle.

We drove merrily up through North Carolina to the Virginia border, and then made our way to Petersburg, a small town outside of Richmond. Petersburg has only two distinctive points: it is the location of a National Battlefield and it is the birthplace of an infamous Charlotte resident.

From Petersburg, it was only another 2 hours to Washington. We were minding our own business, driving unconcernedly down a white highway (funny how the road color changes in different areas. Like they say, we’re ‘famous for our mud’ down here in the South…), when an extremely large building appeared on the right, and we realized with shock that it was the Pentagon. Right there. On the side of the road. Shaped…like a pentagon. (Five sides!) I had never seen it “in the flesh”… (if a building can have flesh) …only in pictures.

We found our hotel, to sum up a long and convoluted drive up and down Connecticut Avenue. Sydney Ellen Wade is not kidding about getting ’stuck on Dupont Circle,’ let me tell you! That place is a nightmare, unless you enjoy driving in a pretzel shape. The Circle itself is not very large, but to drive all the way around it once is enough time to walk into a very busy Starbucks, wait in line, order two cappuccinos, pick them up, and then get back to the street corner where you started. We tested and proved this theory Sunday morning. <grin>

I had been told the Metro system in DC was easy. Easy is not the word I would have used to describe it… at least initally, but then I am small and somewhat sheltered, admittedly. Thanks to Julianna, my confident, street-smart sister, we managed to get from Dupont Circle to the main Metro center and from there to the Capitol South station, where the US Capitol building is located. We strode down the longest hallway I’ve ever seen, heels clicking on the marble floor, passing by doors naming representatives from around the country, feeling like the Men in Black. Think about it – Julianna and I are in fact the ‘best kept secret in the galaxy.’ We live in secret, we exist in shadow… and we dress in black. <grin> This is, understandably, not the best analogy… but it attempts to express complete self-possession within impressive surroundings.

We made a grand entrance into Representative Sue Myrick’s office at precisely 1pm and were greeted with surprise by my helpful friend, Robert Moore. Apparently most people are late or get lost around the capitol building. Which would have been easy… the place is a maze of corridors.

Basically the only note of interest about our tour Friday afternoon is that we were actually in the House Sub Basement! Or basement, I don’t remember which. But if you read Dan Brown’s new book The Lost Symbol, which I don’t (officially) recommend, you would recognize this location as where all the cool action happens! Obviously Dan himself had been on this tour… probably crawling around the floor of the rotunda measuring distances, lying on his back staring up at the ‘Apotheosis of Washington’ with binoculars, poking around dark corners where he wasn’t supposed to be… It almost inspired me to pull out a notebook and jot down notes for a suspenseful political murder mystery of my own.

tbc…

An excellent father, who can find? For his worth is far above a Browning Citori shotgun.
The heart of his wife trusts in him, and he will have no lack of gourmet home-cooked meals.
He does her good and not evil all the days of his life.
He looks for watches and pocket knives and keeps them in a box on his dresser with delight.
He is like merchant ships; he orders his siddurim from afar.
He rises also while it is still night; and gives support to his clients and tasks to his staff members.
He considers a MINI Cooper and buys it; with his earnings he takes us out for fried zucchini at Maggiano’s.
He girds himself with strength, and makes his coffee strong.
He senses that his gain is good, and his lamp goes out earlier every night.
He stretches out his hand to the target, and his hands grasp a firearm.
He extends his hand to the keyboard, and stretches out his fingers to the mouse.
He is not afraid of the winter for his household, for his household can always put on more clothes.
Banana Republic makes coverings for him; his clothing is fine linen and cashmere (with the warmth of wool, the draping qualities of silk, and the wearability of cotton).
His wife is known in the Caribou, when she sits among the knitters of the land.
He makes a product locator and sells it, and supplies kiosks to Barnes & Noble.
Transparency and consistency are his trademarks, and he smiles at a good glass of red wine.
He opens his mouth in righteousness, and the teaching of history is on his tongue every Tuesday night.
He looks well to the ways of his household and does not eat cookies, candy, or any kind of crunchy food.
His children rise up and bless him, his wife also and she praises him saying:
“Many teachers have done nobly, but you talk more than all of them.”
“Men are liars,” “Looks don’t matter,” and “Nothing good happens after midnight…”
but a man who trains up his children in the way they should go shall stay young at heart and be cared for in his old age.
Give him the fruit of his own fig tree, and may he see his children to the third and fourth generations.
Happy birthday, Dad. We love you!

by Julianna Squicciarini

For those of you who didn’t know, our parents celebrated their 26th anniversary earlier this month (the 8th, to be exact). To the average American children, parents’ anniversaries come and go with barely a second thought. Who cares, anyway? They got married – a long time ago – good for them. Right? But if you think about it seriously, you wouldn’t be here if they hadn’t. So this is an AWE-FILLED, STUPENDOUS, EARTH-SHATTERING event. Besides, as the years continue to add up, they join an ever-narrowing minority. Divorce is predominate in this country.

On that very serious note, we, the Squicciarini 5, put our heads together to figure out what to do in honor of our parents’ 26th anniversary. No – not to decide what to get them or what to do for them; our parents are the ultimate romantics. They do enough for each other. On top of which, they actually “kicked us out” of the house for that evening, so they could make dinner together and enjoy it in solitude. This was fine with us – we just needed a great plan to fill four to five hours.

We came up with a list of 26 things to do. This list was a great list. I mean, the creative juices that were poured into it would astonish even the artists among us. It included mundane things, like driving for 26 miles. It included more spicy things, like drinking 26 ounces of water. It included over-the-top things, like releasing 26 balloons from the top of the Ballantyne Village Theater. Are you laughing yet? On the edge of your seat, wondering what we did? Overwhelmed by the ideas? Good. Keep reading.

Obviously, we are ambitious. Set the bar high, or it won’t be any fun trying to reach for it. So yes, we tried for 26 twenty-sixes, and some we got – some we didn’t quite attain. But it’s the thought that counts, and it certainly felt like half of Charlotte knew it was our parents’ 26th anniversary by the time we arrived back at The Residence. Here’s what we did:

• We visited 8 places. I think 8 counts, because their anniversary falls on the 8th of October. <chuckle>
• Our first stop was the Allison home, because Mr. & Mrs. Allison also celebrated their 26th anniversary this year. Congratulations to them. While there, we stole Rachel and took her with us, to be our photographer. As a result, we have tons of excellent pictures to remember this day.
• We spent exactly $26 at the gas station, getting gas for this amazing drive all over Charlotte. Christine is surprisingly good at getting an exact amount at the gas station, and we have the picture to prove it.
• We definitely drove 26 miles.
• We interviewed people on their thoughts on marriage. Anniversaries are the perfect chance to do this. Our questions (each of us had one to ask) were things like, “Do you think age matters in a relationship?” and “What do you think is the biggest contributor to the ever-rising divorce rate in America?” I have to say, that last question is quite the tongue-twister if you’re trying not to look at the paper when you say it. Can you tell which one was mine?
• We traveled with a group of 26. Since we only invited one guest to join us on this adventure, I’m sure you’re wondering how we got that number.
• We. Took. 26. Group. Pictures. Are you impressed?
• We chose a word, near and dear to our hearts, and tried to use it in conversation – naturally – 26 times. We made it to 16 without looking too obvious. The word, just so you’re “in the know” was…<whisper> cucumber.
• We had our in-house senior technician cut us a CD of great songs to which we could rock out while doing all this driving. 26 tracks, of course.
• We gave 6 hugs. And no, they weren’t all to the same person.
• We made a Roundtable List of 26 words that describe our parents and their marriage. It was epic.
• We made 7 toasts, mostly to ourselves, our parents, and the day in general.
• We broke into 7 [loud] rounds of applause – in public.
• We drank 26 ounces of water.
• We were going to leave our waitress at 26-cent tip, but that seemed a little cheap. I take that back. It was ludicrous to even think about it. So we had our in-house senior technician figure out what $0.26 SQUARED would be. That still seemed cheap. So we did $0.26 CUBED, and it was perfect.
• We froze for 26 seconds every 26 minutes. ALL NIGHT. Do you know how cool that feels? The four of us who own cell phones all set alarms to go off sequentially, and when we heard them, we all immediately froze and started silently counting. It was incredible.
• We released 6 balloons from the top of the Ballantyne Village Theater parking deck. It was sunset, and the beautiful reddish-pink sky in the background made this event so much more special. We shouted, “HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!” and let them go, our hearts swelling with love for and gratitude toward our parents. <sigh> That was really the highlight of the evening.
• We went to The Cheesecake Factory and ordered the 26th cheesecake on their menu. It was Caramel Pecan Turtle, in case you were wondering. Very tasty.
• We stuck 26 tall, spindly, sparkly candles into that one piece of cheesecake, lit them, wished our parents a happy anniversary (again), and blew them out. We very nearly started a small bonfire in the restaurant. But we didn’t get in trouble. <sigh of relief>
• And – get this – we made a list of 26 things to do. HAHA!

Thus ends one of the most wonderful celebrations of our parents’ anniversary. We had such a fabulous time, and I feel like we did honor them, even though we didn’t get them a gift, or spend the evening with them, or anything like that.

We’re so proud of our parents! I know that sounds a little backwards…but it’s true, anyway! They’re an amazing couple, and their lives and marriage are a testimony to everyone around them. May all five of us follow their example!

P.S. – not counting the title or this sentence, bet you can’t guess how many times I used the number “26″ in this post…

Things we learned from this trip:

• Traveling with a handgun proves easier than one would surmise, although ticket agents get visibly flustered when you pull the gun out and wave it around while demonstrating that it is unloaded.
• US Airways Express flights are down at Concourse E, three miles from the center of Charlotte Douglas International Airport.
• When flying in a plane which holds only 20 people, it’s necessary to walk out on the tarmac and be blown around by crosswinds before actually climbing into the plane.
• Baggage claim at the Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport is about the size of our kitchen.
• Fall Creek Falls State Park, two hours north of Chattanooga in the uncharted wilds of Tennessee, has no cell reception to speak of.
• That’s what wild turkeys look like…
• It’s basically impossible to get a decent cappuccino anywhere in the state of Tennessee. I conducted my own personal research to prove this fact. For goodness’ sake, a cup of overly sweet Swiss Miss with a spoonful of instant coffee is NOT a cappuccino and NEVER WILL BE. Do I make myself clear?

It’s seldom that pancakes are made in a gluten-free house, but at long last, the greatly-anticipated “Banana Pancake Party” was had. We switched on the iPod and rocked out to Jack Johnson’s Banana Pancakes while we cooked. Can’t get better than that! The pancakes, accompanied by authentic bottles of Ginger Beer imported from New Zealand, were delicious; they paired very nicely. After the In Between Dreams album had played about twice through, we quickly cleaned up and headed upstairs for a late showing of The Holiday starring Jude Law, Cameron Diaz, Jack Black, and Kate Winslet. Great movie… Good times.

We entertained an honored guest at The Residence Thursday evening… my esteemed grandfather was in town and he joined us for a delicious meal of seared flank steak and Julia Child’s cream of mushroom soup.

It’s quite an event having my grandfather over, one which happens infrequently since he does not live in Charlotte anymore. He makes a quiet entrance, occasionally while we are still trying to finish the work day, but his presence draws everyone like a magnet. His conversation is invariably fascinating. He has opinions on every subject under the sun, and we could listen to him talk for hours. Recently he has started telling stories from his high school days, which are always highly amusing.

Our time at the dinner table was quite comical. I don’t think we’ve laughed that much over dinner in months. My grandfather has highly unorthodox ideas about certain eventualities, both political and personal… which I am not, unfortunately, at liberty to share. His no-nonsense approach to life in general is entertaining, but at the same time often educational and thought-provoking.

Look for “It’s All About Me,” the greatly-anticipated autobiography of Henry F. Stelzl, coming to a bookstore near you in 2010.

So today, I had nothing to do, so naturally, I called the “laugh of my day:, the “sprinkles on the donut of life”: my sister, Christine.

Christine (C): I’m on the way to Harris Teeter, but I left the list at home. Can you see if it’s there?
Mary (M): Sure… <it’s not here. We talk about what to get for the salad tonight at dinner.>
C: Okay, thanks! That’s great, you’re the best! Is there anything you want me to pick up for you?
M: Me!? Um, SURE! Why not? Uh, how about some Nutter Butters?
C: Oh, I would get *ANYTHING* for you!
M: You’re the bomb! You’re so sweet! Actually you know what? Nutter Butters are a little too crunchy for today.
C: Well how about a donut or something? They have those little donuts with the sprinkles on top… Ooh, how about a danish?! <we settle on a Danish and I ooze gratitude.>
C: Well, ok, I’m here, so…
M: Wait, you’re not hanging up are you?
C: Well I didn’t want to keep you from anything…
M: I’m not doing anything – I’m *bored to tears*!
C: Oh, ok, well then you can come shopping with me! This should be fun.
M: Oh my goodness that is such a great idea!
<she goes inside, and talks extensively while I’m thoughtlessly rolling around the garage on my scooter. I hear about cream cheese, samples, magazines, granola bars, etc. Finally she’s at the checkout>
C: Oh, the thing I picked out for you got smushed.
M: <gasp> Smushed?! Is there another one?
C: Oh it’ll be fine. <she says reassuringly>
M: Ok. <she checks out and walks to the car>
C: I have to get the keys, this should be difficult since I’m on the phone with you.
M: You can multi-task. In fact you should be able to eat your “KIND” bar, talk to me on the phone, and drive home.
C: <takes a bite of granola bar> Ah, this is SO good!
M: Are you driving?
C: <with mouth full> Hello, hello, hello, yes I’m driving and talking on the phone and eating at the same time!
M: Wow! Such a multi-tasker. I’m impressed!
C: You are?
M: Yeah, but it doesn’t take a lot to impress me.
C: Yeah, me neither.
M: Yes it does.
C: Really?
M: Yeah… <I give an example and she agrees> <long pause>
C: Hey guess what I just tried to do? <I ask> I just reached into my purse to get out my phone.
M: <in between laughs> Wow, you really are losing it. <we both laugh>
C: I’m such a good driver.
M: Yeah you are. It’s because you’re fearless.
C: Yeah, totally. Fearless and New Yorkan!
M: I know right! Hey – did you just roll that stopsign?
C: <gasp> Did you just see that?!
M: Yes.
C: Wow… yeah, I did.
M: I know. <seriously>
C: Well I’m almost home.
M: You’re at a light aren’t you.
C: Approaching one, wanna guess which one?
M: Yup, when you were looking for your phone before, you were turning out of the video store entrance onto 51, weren’t you?
C: How did you know!?
M: You always pull your phone out at that light… and now you’re at the Marshall’s light.
<some confusion as to which light is the “Marshall’s light”>
C: Well now I’m on Phillips.
M: Awesome. <I walk outside with the phone and start down the street hoping to meet her>
C: Yeah, I’m pretty close.
M: Is my treat still smushed?
C: Oh, actually I had to pick up something else. It wouldn’t scan at the U-Scan. <tries to convince me it’s Altoids – I don’t buy it.>

So I see her driving down the road, and I wave. She comes to a stop, and I hop into the passenger seat, assuming she’ll make the curve around the cul de sac and we’ll walk inside. Instead she swings around and starts driving back where she came from. We drove around the neighborhood at around… well, let’s just say the speed limit was 25, and for those of us who know Christine… so we drove around for a while, blaring music at volume 29, and singing at the top of our lungs (my mouth full of cinnamon bun+frosting), the wind running through our hair, and laughing at how crazy it is. Eventually we got home, after I’d finished my treat; we carried in the groceries and arrived inside with the strong conclusion that: Life really is Good.

This week Mom and I headed up to Bristol together to visit my grandparents at their magazine-worthy mountain house. You may not know it, but my mom is the most sophisticated traveler. She plans her outfits in advance, and since the clothes in her closet all magically match each other, she always looks perfectly pulled together. She’s just effortlessly stylish. For the road trip she’ll wear gray jeans and a chic sweater, leather ballet flats and cool Brighton sunglasses with silver accents. She’s so cultured – she’ll remember to bring accessories like lavendar-scented pillow spray and miniature packages of Ocean Spray dried cranberries. She spreads her stuff out on the bathroom sink in neat green mesh zippered bags filled with cute travel sized products. Her travel bags are Vera Bradley, in a fashionable black and tan print. Her purse is always a classic Coach bag or something similar. She’s the kind of person who takes along a “wrap” … you know, one of those wide scarves, and then not only wears it but even manages to look naturally elegant. It’s… inspirational. That’s all I can say.

My grandfather (HFS): You should consider renting a porta potty when you have all those people over every other week.

Mom, Nana, and me (in unison): Ewwwwwwwwwww!

HFS: No really, it’s a good idea.

Me: Well, we’d basically have to buy one, don’t you think?

HFS: No, just rent it! They’re not expensive.

Mom (AMS): Um, Dad… women don’t use those.

HFS: Sure they do!

AMS: No… I don’t use them.

Me: Neither do I.

AMS: I’d never use one. Kathy, would you use one?

Nana (MKS): No! Never!

HFS: Yes you would – you’ve used one!

MKS (aghast): I Have Not!

HFS: I’VE SEEN WOMEN COMING OUT OF THEM!

Me: Yeah, well… they weren’t using them, take my word for it. 

HFS: <shakes head with resignation>

Trivia: according to wikipedia, “portable toilets are referred to colloquially or sold under such brands as port-a-john, job johnny, port-o-let, port-a-loo, sani-privy, port-a-san, porta-potty, tidy john, John To Go, Biff, toi-toi, J-Jon, P-Unit, and porta-kybo.”