The Sky is Falling!

Well, actually the floor is rotting. The once glowing wood laminate began squishing black ooze. Every time the dish washer ran the mold smell increased and the black ooze increased. The non-Pergo flooring was becoming an oozing, warped nightmare… and it was such a good deal. Marked down from the sale price, available in pallet lots, we had helped the local Lowe’s store out of their predicament. Flooring that no one wanted taking up precious space on the sales floor. We bought three rooms of it. The family van could barely take the load. Now, not six months later, the primordial ooze was ugly!

The wine glasses look suspiciously cloudy again. I hate that. A fine Cabernet left to breathe in the delicate carafe… sitting there amidst who knows what, attached to the side of the glass. Shudder! No doubt that LG dishwasher is losing its drain water into the pad under the laminate floor. The perfect explanation. The dishes are dirty and the floor is warping – all because this Japanese dish washer is defective! It’s a communist plot. The World Trade Center. The economic recession. Our dishwasher… and floor. <heavy sigh>

Someone stole the floor! That was my plan. The family would rise on Sunday morning to find the kitchen floor missing. It’s hard to sleep in late when you have a plan. How do you remove a wood floor without having some where to get your thumb in? I used the battery-operated, Dewalt mini circular saw. Very cool. Unfortunately, not very quiet. Not many noticed, but the surprise was blown. An hour later, we were looking at the old linoleum – and the leveling compound smears. The only piece left was under the refrigerator. Time to hulk-out and pull that baby out of its little home.

By this time, the neighborhood was awake to the groans of my hernia exertion. Mary leaned over to look at the water tube on the back of the refrigerator as I got a welcome glass of water. Psssssssssssssssssssst! The water came out of the smallest pinhole and hit her smack in the face. She quickly moved aside and the water shot across the kitchen! Every time you filled a glass of water from the refrigerator, it spit water across the room!!! The only thing was that the refrigerator was stuck in its little hole in the wall. So the water would spray on the wall and dribble down under the floor. I guess I need to apologize to the LG dishwasher folks. <sigh>

Hmmmm… the refrigerator is made by…. LG. Did I mention the conspiracy against American homeowners?  The communist plot??? Did you know that parts for any LG appliance have to come by boat to America?  Yep. 7 – 10 days before the part arrives. Then “Billy” has to fit that replacement part in… He’ll be here tomorrow between 8 and Noon. There are bets down that he can’t move the refrigerator. I bet he was ridiculed as a boy…

Israel put down the first laminate floor. Now he’s in Columbia. More floors there, I guess. He sent his brother Felix. Cat-like installation. Felix was fast. He had 3/4 of the floor done when he opened a new box of wood that was darker than the previous ones. In he came. I was on the phone with a sweet woman who installed a new Uninteruptible Power Supply (UPS) and ignored the tape covering the outlets that instructed her to plug in the battery… “Why is it beeping?” Perhaps the battery is not connected? Duh. Yep, you have to move that yellow tape to get to it… <sigh> Here’s Felix with a four foot board. It’s not like the blonde boards my chair is rolling over, it’s red – and dark.

“This box is a little darker than than the others.” No kidding? That’s not a little darker Felix, it’s a WAY darker! He corrected me. “No, it’s just a little darker.” My stomach did a flip-flop. It’s a little darker, Felix? Doesn’t the rest of the floor look like what you’re standing on???? Nope. It looks like this red board, only not quite as dark. <heavy sigh> I walked into the kitchen. <really heavy sigh> Yep. That’s a nice redwood. Maybe cherry? I don’t know my woods… but I do know that we’ve got a problem. This floor contrasts. We were looking for blend. “Yeah, you blend.” NOT!

What’s worse? Calling Lowe’s and telling them they loaded the wrong laminate on the cart, or calling your wife and telling her that the kitchen has red wood on the floor? I called Lowe’s…

Two days later and four trips to Lowe’s, we now have an exceptional Pergo kitchen floor. The refrigerator kid is coming tomorrow… Bets are still on whether he can pull the refrigerator out by himself…